


True Paradises

by kristin



Category: The Suburbs -- Arcade Fire (music video)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2011-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristin/pseuds/kristin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don’t remember much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	True Paradises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maharetr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maharetr/gifts).



> Thanks to afinch, kurushi, alley and pillow for their help. I take all the blame for the weirdness.
> 
> Title come from this quote by Marcel Proust, “The true paradises are the paradises that we have lost.”

"I saw winter today," I say, twitching my fingers up and down the arms of the chair, watching as the material bounces back up, following my finger, like it was trying to make me comfortable. It was creepy.

She doesn't react. Doesn't ask if I mean the person or the season. She doesn't ever talk. Sometimes I wonder if her tongue had fallen out and that she had gotten this assignment as a joke. _Hey, lets make the mute woman a therapist_. Or, I guess, not just a therapist, the therapist. Mine.

"I used to always want a snowy winter. And this time I do mean the season. I always thought I would be great at snow ball fights. After all, I am pale enough to blend into the snow." She doesn't laugh, but I continue on anyway. "I know, I know. I wouldn't actually be out in the snow naked, but it was a joke."  
 _  
"An awful one, maybe," laughs Winter, shaking bangs out of his face._

 _I shrug. "You just don't appreciate my genius."_

 _"Oh yeah, you are the genius here," he says, voice full up of sarcasm. He knows all about the failed tests and the way I cringe every time our suburb decides to roll out more aptitude testing. But it doesn't hurt, not when he says it. I know Winter will never leave me behind.  
_  
I know, I know, I knew.

Tenses mess me up sometimes.

"I was made for winter," I say, making sure to smile at my useless shrink. "I burn at the drop of a hat."

I used to wonder what I look like when it happens; pictured myself holding two sides of a conversation, gesturing out all the parts like I was in a one man play. I used to wonder what I look like when it happens; pictured myself holding two sides of a conversation, gesturing out all the parts like I was in a one man play. But Zoe said I just stood still. That my eyes were still open, but I wasn't seeing her.  
 _  
“Take me now.” Zoe’s voice rings out in the empty diner, almost echoing._

 _“Where to?” I spin an imaginary globe with my finger. “Where she’ll stop, nobody knows.”_

 _Zoe laughs, louder now than before. Maybe I just hadn’t noticed it, when Winter was here, before it was just the two of us. “Why to bed, of course.”_

 _I turn around quickly, stumbling a little on one of the chairs. Zoe isn’t laughing. I glace out the wall of windows, instinctively looking like maybe Winter is here ready to say --  
_  
“The look on your face!” Winter crows as he reaches a hand down to pull me out of the pool.

I laugh, “You mean this look of awesome?”

“Exactly that,”he says as he pulls me up, “You’re awesome.”

“Kyle.”  
 _  
“Kyle,” Zoe says and something is wrong. This hasn’t happened in front of other people before.  
_  
“You know you want to get with this,” is what I mean to say. Maybe I did.

"I haven't seen Zoe in a while," is what I say out loud. What I mean is, I can't really remember when I last saw her.

I look outside the window. There is no frost on the glass, but I can see snow falling down, landing on lawns still soft and green. They always were. "The only thing Winter can't control is Winter."

That was the wrong thing to say. I know it. She, my therapist, knows it too.

There is a glass on her desk. I don't know what it is, exactly, what filled it. I don't really know what it does. Or maybe I did, but I don't. And really, I think that is the point.

I don’t remember much.

When we were little we used to have these flashcards to help us remember. They were bigger than my hands, Winter's hands, with big bold text. Looking back, I can remember reciting the words over and over. "How to identify carriers," I say as I watch the glass being nudged closer to my side of the desk. It is a small reprieve. Maybe I am too addled to need more.

I can't remember the rest. There was something about the eyes. You needed to look into their eyes to see if they could kill you just be being near you, death hidden in under their skin. At least, I think it is the eyes.

"Do you know how to identify one?" I ask. Maybe she doesn’t. Winter has made it safe. I laugh to think about it, him in some lab decanting, or whatever it is scientists do. He was never any good at science in school.

But ever since he took power over our suburb, then the neighboring ones, no one has died. Well, not from the disease  
 _  
"That isn't a career."_

 _"Is too."_

 _"I think Zoe is right," I say, dodging Winter’s flailing punch before he even extends his arm. “I mean, seriously. Ruling the world is not going to bring in the moolah.”_

 _“Moolah?” asks Zoe, stretching out the syllables until the word is barely recognizable._

 _Winter just shrugged. “I can do it.”_

 _“Sure,” I say, because I am. Winter can do anything.  
_  
Even though I didn’t think he was serious. And no one would believe me if I told them now, but he didn’t think he was either.

“Have you ever had to have therapy?” I ask. This isn’t the first time, I think. “Because, honestly, you are doing a pretty awful job of it.”

She doesn’t even look up from where she has been inputting her notes.

“I had a great therapist, after the war. I think Winter pulled some stings.”

That makes her look up, the most attention I’ve ever gotten from her. I raise my hands over my head in celebration. “That gets you all excited. You like hearing about the my tawdry therapy tales.”

I know it isn’t true. She just wants to hear more about the man who rules the world, or at least our corner of it. But this was my therapy session.

“She was like you. I mean, she talked, so she wasn’t exactly like you, but she liked it when I talked about Winter. She used to ask me how I felt about him. If he was like my brother,” I couldn’t help the little flick of disgust I made while saying that.  
 _  
"You are an awesome drunk," Winter says. He is smiling, but when Kyle tilts his head, he can tell it isn't real._

 _"I am the coolest."_

 _"Angela seemed to think so," he says, deliberately. "Why didn't you go for it?"_

 _I duck my head down, thinking back. But all I could remember was the way Winter had smiled as he pushed hair behind Zoe's ear. The way he kissed her. "I don't know--"_

 _"Know what?" asked Winter. He already knew, Kyle could tell. He had that half smile that meant he was about to pull the right answer out of his hat. "Oh, that."_

 _"Bullshit." I say, just in case. "You have no clue."_

 _Then all of sudden, I know he does, because Winter is right there. He leans down and presses his mouth against mine. It's. Well._

 _It's weird._

 _But it's hot and warm and I want more. But instead he just pulls away. "Why?" I ask._

 _"You know me," he says, joking, trying to play it off, "Always-"  
_  
"I do know," I say, cutting off the punch line he had said. "I know him. I know every little bit about him and I remember it."

"I know Winter," I say. And the silence is kind of nice. If I said that out in public I would either be called a liar, or maybe a goon, depending on the suburb. "I know him more than anyone. And I keep forgetting, but not him."

My therapist is doing something strange. I can see her teeth. A tiny flash of her tongue peeks out. Apparently she still has one.

"One time he said he thought we were all characters in a dream. Wanted to know what would happen to us if he woke up," I say. "I know now."

"I never stop being the narrator."


End file.
